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Just an ordinary day.
discontentI thought I would be back here sooner. Life gets in the way sometimes and it has always been my philosophy (cop out) not to be so busy recording life that you dont get to LIVE it.
I was talking to the boy yesterday about bills and finances. It was so depressing. I remember in the days of our idealized youth thinking we would never fall into the same traps as our parents and siblings had. We would be fiscally responsible and not have money woes. Does this just come with the territory of growing up? I look at friends of mine, friends who opted NOT to get the degree who are now in mortgage or programming and making 3x the salary I will ever make. I should be happy for them and I am...but a tiny bit envious as well. It cause me to think to myself, what if I had chosen differently? What if the boy had chosen differently? Unfortunately, being in the hole limits the chances of starting over in a different career.
Ever since I left my last position I have been in this hellish limbo waiting for something new to come up. If I had known the process would be this stressful perhaps I would have rethought leaving my old job. I am a teacher and have been for the last ten or so years. I described my feelings about this school year to someone as my being a "handless clock with numbers." Thank you Ben Harper. I feel kind of useless without a group to teach. I am subbing, putting in letters of interest. It all feels like a dead end. It is easy to get down about the situation and for me, when I get down, I tend to exist in a time warp where I blink and two weeks go by.
I am busying myself with all the things I have missed out on the last ten years while being a working mom. I am joining committees, being the team mom, coaching the girl's teams. After I drop her at school, I come back to an empty house, clean a bit, play with the dog, catch up on some reading. Sometimes, I hop online and peruse youtube or myspace. Its pointless really. I thought I would really enjoy the chance to be a stay at home mom but I hate it. I am not a "lady who lunches" and as much as I would love to visit museums and drive around finding some cool out of the way places, I do not. Gotta save that gas money and there isn't extra for leaisurely jaunts. Perhaps if the SAHM deal had come around at a more financial sound time, I would be really living it up!
My sister has been staying home with her kids for three years now. She calls me and asks me to go to Target, to come watch her baby, to go with her to the grocery store...I love her but its like cocaine...best in moderate doses:)
Things with the fella suffer because we are both under such stress about the money. We have fought more in the last three months than we have in our entire relationship which is saying a lot considering how long we have been together! Luckily, we are both able to realize it is the money stress talking, not REAL issues with the foundation- so we build up, blow up and get over it.
I am an optimistic girl.
I know it will get better.
I just need to practice patience, that's all.
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